Mom has just had a baby and with excitement you want to visit her after she's given birth to that breath-taking baby! You may even want to bring her a meal, as a way to help her out during this time of recovery. Mom may have a community of people start a meal train for her as a way of blessing her those first couple weeks of motherhood. Whether she's a first time mom, or a mother of many other children, there are some real genuine needs that go unnoticed during this vulnerable stage post partum. Whether you're a relative or a friend, this post is to help birth mom establish some healthy boundaries that may help her in recovery, while making those loving people around her aware of her needs and how they can better respect the season mom is in. This may not fit everyone's situation (or preferences), but they are an assimilation of things I have found helpful as I go into my 5th pregnancy, and have served various women after birth. These are not demands, they are simply ideas so the family feel loved, supported, and forever grateful!
1. Visiting Etiquette
This is probably the biggest and most important one on the list. Loving friends and family flock when a new baby shows up on the scene. And why shouldn't they? It's the gift of life and it's wonderful to see the beautiful face of the one you have anticipated for the last 9 months! Often times, friends and family easily forget the time, effort and energy that just went into bringing this new life into the world. Many moms can be in labor for hours (and sometimes days) before this new face is revealed. The first 24 hours of recovery are unpredictable and sensitive. Mom may be learning how to establish breast feeding. She may be completely exhausted and sleep... and sleep... and sleep. Baby may be crying a lot as they are learning to acclimate to their new surroundings. It really is best to keep interruptions to a minimum during this time (this includes phone calls). Unique situations that could bless mom during that time would be if you're going there to allow mom to sleep or shower while you take baby, or maybe bringing her favorite meal (and not lingering), or even offering her any support at her request during that time. And ALWAYS confirm with mom before coming. NEVER show up surprisingly!
Boundaries for Mom: It could be really helpful for you to come up with "visiting hours". This may not apply to some family, such as your parents, or a close sibling. For other relatives it could be helpful to have them come all at once, together in a designated time frame. And then you could also have another designated visiting hour for friends who want to visit you. This ensures you're not trying to host visitors all day long, and for long hours (in both the hospital and after you go home).
Note to those visiting mom (above and beyond): It's always nice to offer mom (with any visit) something you could do for her that she may not be able to do herself: i.e. house cleaning, making her a snack, playing with her older children (if it applies), offering her a massage, running an errand, or simply just asking her what would be helpful. If the mother will be home alone with the baby most of the time (single parent, spouse deployed or working long hours), she may wish for visitors to stay longer or come more frequent. Ask.
2. Breast Feeding Etiquette
Most of the time those who are least aware of this one are men. Yes, mom may have a nursing cover, but have you ever tried breast feeding a newborn under one of those? It really doesn't work! Mom and baby are still acclimating to this in many ways. Baby may have a difficult time latching. To assume she can just use a nursing cover while she feeds her baby is, honestly, insensitive to her and baby's needs. Its hard enough all by itself without any added pressure. Its also important that mother feels safe about nursing in front of you. This is especially true to new moms who are breast feeding for the very first time. For those seasoned moms who have done it before it may come more naturally (although there are always new things popping up for nursing moms). New nursing mothers may feel a little insecure or vulnerable when they are breast feeding. Don't wait for mom to ask if it bothers you to nurse in front of you or for her to ask for privacy. (There were times when I personally would leave a room to nurse just so I didn't have to ask.) Its easiest on mom if you just assure your comfortable if she wants to nurse in front of you or you can leave the room if she prefers. Let her make the call. And be aware that if you are a visiting man, without being her husband/partner (whether related or not) she may not feel very comfortable at all with breast feeding if you are around. This doesn't apply to every one of course, but it's helpful to know.
Boundaries for mom: Don't be afraid to let people know you are breast feeding before they visit. If its been a difficult journey make your visitors aware of that so they can respect your needs. Most often people want you to do so. They want to respect your wishes. You need to do what is best for you and baby, remember this. It is not your job to make your visitors comfortable.
3. Meal Train/Drop off Etiquette
This is big for mothers who are a part of large communities, churches, or groups, who are coming by (almost everyday) for the first two weeks of being back at home. Think about this, a visitor EVERYDAY! I don't think a lot of people think about that when they are initially bringing their meal over. I'm a big encourager of the drop-off only policy (keeping the visit 10-15 min) when it comes to meals. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, and for someone who have been anticipating a visit, a meal drop off with a visit is two shots with one stone. If this is you, be aware that mom may have been hosting other visitors that day or even the day before. She may need to ask you to make the visit short. And if she's not comfortable asking you to do that, maybe make the choice yourself to not linger too long. Baby and mom may have been up all night together and now she's up in the day. Between all the juggling, she needs to rest, and this includes even chit chatting. It's amazing how much energy it can take to have a stimulating conversation. It may not be what she needs right now. I know the most extroverted mothers who "cave" during this time of recovery and there is absolutely NOTHING abnormal about it. Maybe even have someone bring by 2 or 3 meals for the next couple of days (or freezable meals) to ensure she is not hosting someone new everyday.
Boundaries for mom: Make it clear what your preferences are. Let others know if there are allergens in the house and individuals can't eat certain foods. If there are meal preferences, make sure the meal coordinator knows up front. If you would prefer people to "drop off only" put that as well in the meal train. Most people will be understanding!
Note to visitors (above and beyond): Want to really bless mom? Make her something yummy, healthy, and full of fiber! If she has other children, ask ahead of time about picky eaters. Because pasta is cheap it can easily be what mom has been eating all week while receiving meals. But mom is healing, and she needs foods rich in vitamins and fiber. Leafy greens and fruit can help make going to the bathroom much easier. If you are the meal coordinator, maybe include an "etiquette guidelines" in with the email that is being sent to everyone. Getting everyone on the same page is helpful for mom.
4. During your visit
Most mothers (especially new moms) get a little anxious when their newborn baby is passed along to strangers. This can be especially true in big settings like a church or gathering. Do not expect or ask to hold the baby. (Yes, this can be difficult — new babies are so snuggle-able!) Wait for the mother to offer. Many won’t, but those who are comfortable will. One big exception is offering to hold the baby after a feeding so the mother can take a shower or a nap. Wash your hands when you arrive, and let the mother know that you have washed them before touching her baby. And PLEASE if you've just sprayed yourself heavily in cologne or perfume hold baby next time around! A lot of people don't think about this, and when baby is given back to mom the fragrance of whatever was worn is being smelled on them hours later, not to mention just not great for brand new baby skin exposure! Greet any siblings enthusiastically. Remember this can be a hard transition for them as well. Give a big hello and lots of love to the older children before fussing over the baby — it will make them feel special during a time when the baby is the focus of most adults’ attention. Everyone is full of advice during this precious time. Please hold off on giving advice unless the mother asks for it. It can be a bit overwhelming and with so many opinions about every little thing, and some advice can feel like you are criticizing without meaning too. RESPECT ANY AND ALL DECISIONS MOM MAY BE MAKING FOR HER BABY (i.e. how she chooses to feed her baby, pacify her baby, keep her home, raising her children, etc.)
Boundaries for mom: What may feel obvious to you, may not feel that way to your visitor. Communicate your needs. If you worry about dirty hands, keep hand sanitizer on you for easy baby holding. If you have been waiting to shower, maybe ask a visitor who wants to help to stay with baby. And never do something you're uncomfortable with - you and baby will be happier if you stick to this. Know you have nothing to prove and this time is about you.
Last Note:
Above everything, always ask when in doubt. Its best to never make assumptions about an individual. Presenting options makes everyone a little more comfortable, and in the end all are happier!
Hope this helps!
No comments:
Post a Comment